| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2005|09:08 am] |
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I absolutely hate that I can't figure out what I am supposed to do. |
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| so tired |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|12:03 am] |
I can't sleep.
I wish I could.
I miss my mom.
I miss my brother.
I miss alot of things.
the house is so hot.
maybe the ac is broken.
I finally went to the emergency room.
it took a good 5 hours.
my mom bought me food.
and we hung out.
it was nice.
my allergies are atacking my face.
it sucks.
I want some pepsi.
please I just want to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|06:02 pm] |
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so I'm leaving for austin in ten minutes |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2005|12:01 am] |
I am useless.
I am a piece of shit
and I know it. |
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| shut the front door |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|03:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
well I'll start off by saying...I am not happy right now. something is a miss. I can't quite figure out what it is but it sucks none the less. I'm displeased with myself and a few others. some one made it sound as if I was on the verge of cheating on Andrew and that really irritates me. I like andrew soooo much. there isn't anyone else who has my affection. our relationship seems promising and I want it to stay that way. I don't want anyone it taint it with misconceptions and unnecessary concern. and if per say there was reason for concern...that person should confront me on the spot...not wait and "tattle" on me. making the whole situation seem even more sketchy. eh. anyway so on to another topic of frustration my mother I think she is literally insane. seriously. I think the woman is bi polar. it sucks I have no clue how to please her. she hates me one moment and the next it's like she's afraid of losing me. I don't understand and don't know how to relate to her. I wish I could be good enough even if it's momentary. I just want for once to be someone that she enjoys being around. that she doesn't mind doing maternal things for such as just taking care of me when I need it. I'm her daughter right? is that not enough cause in itself to render her affection? I would think so. unfortunately no matter what I am not good enough. fuck. oh well. I might as well get used to being less than worthy in her eyes. so another thing is that one of my closest friends car broke down the other night...I'm concerned about her and her situation I feel bad as if it was almost my fault. for that I am sorry. I feel as if I will never amount to anything. that I'll be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. that I'm just not worthy of anyone's attention or affection. I don't deserve anything. and yet on the same token I feel like I'm not that bad of a person. it sucks. I'm just really really unhappy. maybe I'm depressed. no one reads my entries anyway so I don't know why I write. it's ok. you aren't obligated to. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|06:40 am] |
so it's been a while as usual. I don't tend to write in this enough I suppose. anyway...so life lately has been good. real good. I found someone that I can spend time with that genuinely cares about me and that makes me happy. however the stresses of reality seem to come crashing down on both of our heads. he is stressed to the max. and I don't know how to help him. I wish there was something I could do to alieviate some of this. but I can't for the life of me figure out what. I can easily cheer him up momentarily but cheering up isn't all that he needs. I think he needs a miracle. now me on another note. I need a miracle as well. my store is moving to westheimer...and I am supposed to move with it. however I don't know where I am going to live. this poses as a huge threat to my existance as we know it. I need cheap living accomidations and some kind of transportation until I can completely get my feet on the ground. sigh....they supposedly are going to make me manager of the new store that would include somewhat of a raise. I need the money. and I want desperately to go to school. I told my boss I wanted to start school really soon. I'm tired of standing still...I want so badly to get on with my life. I live for the moment which is fine and good but I need to start progressing. achieving my goals. it's so frustrating being stagnate. eh. on a happy note though CHRISTMAS is on the way and this is the best time of year for sure. I automatically cheer up once dec 1st rolls around. and all the thanks giving food put me in the mood for the holidays. I have so many awesome plans for andrew. I just hope I'll be able to come through with all of them.
I wanted to give a shout out to my girls lynette, cristina and ali. love you girls to death. seriously. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
life is amazing despite my mom and her insanity. I love everything right now. I love her so much. and I'm glad. my brother is the coolest. he is wonderful. my favorite people right now are as follows...ali, cristina, lynette, jacob and andrew. I'm just so happy. it's rediculous. |
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| I must be dreaming |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv on the radio | ] |
ok so here's the deal. I don't think I've ever met anyone that compliments my personality to the same extent that Andrew does. is it possible that there is someone out there as amazing as this guy? seriously. I get butterflies every time he kisses me. it's insane. I'm 21...butterflies it's awesome!!! I finally found my artist. I'm seriously in awe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|07:57 am] |
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so I haven't written in a while. life is good. I am hoping to move into this place of westhiemer with ali. we are gonna fill out the app today. my friends make me happy. they are my family. my mother insists on barraging me with religion talks. it's not that I don't believe. it's that I am appathetic to it. that's sad. but it's the truth. I'm not gonna lie to her or to myself. I am also not going to be a fake and pretend to be something that I'm not. I hate fake people. I've noticed a change in a few of my friends. it's kind of creepy. and alan thinks he can call me up when ever he wants to just shoot the shit. I'm not gonna make myself available to that doushe. seriously. he thinks I should just drop what I'm doing and give him my full attention...for what him to ramble about music or work?? hahaha you wish. I want to be more specific on certain topics but I don't think anyone reads this any way so why waste my time? I get sad sometimes...not depressed but sad. I miss my dad. I miss his annoying calls that always seemed to interrupt things. I miss just knowing that he's up in mn watching some documentry about something insignifigant and loving it. I cry sometimes. I wish he was still here. I keep replaying everything in my mind...especially when I feel like I've done something wrong. it's kind of like a conscience but at the same time not. I dunno it's strange. I need to start school I need to accomplish something instead of living day to day and for the moment. I'm tired of feeling so directionless. but at the same time I have a sort of peace about everything maybe that I know that things will turn out...that I'm in a rut for the time being...my mother makes me feel like a worthless person like everything I do is pointless and never saticfactory. she never seems happy with anything I do or don't do. I showed her a painting I did yesterday...I haven't painted in at least two years...I thought maybe I would get some kind of reaction other than...that's nice. with the go away hand motion. thanks mom...thanks for wanting me to "find myself" as she always puts it...as soon as any thing creative pops in to my mind it's shit to her. it's funny because out of all the people I want to please she is first on the list and always the one who I can never live up to. she hurts me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | free time-kenna | ] |
well. life seems to be going wonderfully. which is a suprise. everything seemed to tumble in on my head leaving me with out a clue as to how to pick up the pieces. I have some good news. ali and I are probably moving to houston very soon. there is an available apartment above andy and randy. it's a good location during the day...at night however the freaks come out...I have made my mind up about some things...of which I won't mention...but at least I have some closure. those of you who know me know what I'm speaking of. anyway. tonight should be enjoyable. union. I was supposed to celebrate kbanks birthday but I came to houston too late. oh well the rest of the night should make up for it. I am a little confused however. a close friend is acting really strange. don't know how to handle that situation but am trying so... anyway... |
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